


Mr. In Between

by ThatEsqCrush



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Heavy Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-04
Updated: 2020-07-04
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:02:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25074310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatEsqCrush/pseuds/ThatEsqCrush
Summary: Prompt: "I was watching friends and it was the episode where Ross writes the pro/con list for Rachel and Emily. I’d like to see if someone would write the same kind of scenario not with a waitress but other attributes. Rafael Barba x Female Reader where Rafael writes the list and the reader finds it. Possibly comparing to Olivia."
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Olivia Benson, Rafael Barba/Reader, Rafael Barba/You
Comments: 3
Kudos: 25





	1. Chapter 1

Three Months Ago

“Can I get you anything?”

You and Rafael looked up at the waitress who had approached your table. “I’ll have a dry cappuccino,” Rafael requested. The waitress nodded and turned to you.

“Matcha soy latte for me, thanks,” you replied.

“Biscotti for the table too, please.” Rafael looked at you and smiled. “You look lovely tonight.”

You smiled in return. “Thank you. You look quite handsome yourself.” And Rafael did - he always did regardless if he was in a three piece suit or in a polo shirt and fitted jeans, which was his current ensemble. You shifted in your seat and tucked your hair behind your ears, showing off the teardrop earrings the hung off your lobes.

The two of you made small talk, catching up on the week’s happenings while waiting for the food and drinks to arrive. The waitress soon returned, placing your drinks down along with a small plate of assorted dipped and non-dipped biscotti in the middle of the table. When you reached across the table to grab a piece of biscotti, Rafael used the opportunity to reach across and take your hand into his.

“I brought you here tonight because I wanted to talk about us and our future,” he began. “I want you to know that you’re a very special person in my life.” Rafael shifted in his seat and leaned forward to stare into your eyes. 

Your heart began to beat harder. You willed yourself to be calm and collected. “You’re very special to me too, Rafi,” you replied.

Rafael took a deep breath before he began speaking once more. “I want you to know that I really like you: I love spending time with you. But, I just want to continue to keep things casual,” Rafael gave your hand a gentle squeeze and you nodded, in response. 

“Sure,” you replied softly, feeling your heart sink and shatter. You turned your head and stared off at the waitress who was now drying coffee mugs with a cloth.

Your stomach lurched and you did your best to ignore the lump in your throat that began to form.

“Are you sure you’re okay with this? I just want to be honest about where we stand; I am not ready for a relationship at this time.” Rafael stated. His question fell on deaf ears. “Y/N?”

“Hmmm?” You turned to face Rafael. “Oh! Yes, it’s fine.” You tried to seem confident and cool, as if his decision had no effect on you. However, you were certain that the shakiness in your voice betrayed you.

You couldn’t believe what you were hearing; of all of the places for Rafael to drop his non-committal line, he chose the coffee shop that you two had your first date at. You had hoped that Rafael was going to make a declaration - and he had - just not the one you wanted.

You glanced down at your watch, and pretended to be alarmed at the time. “Look at the time, I have to go; I have an early work meeting,” you replied, standing. You ran your hands over your clothes nervously before leaning over to your purse.

As you moved to stand, Rafael grabbed your hand once more, causing you to stop.

“Please, lets talk; let me take you home,” Rafael replied. His voice was pleading and you could see the worry etched on his face.

You shook your head and Rafael‘s pilled his hand off of yours. “Call me or I’ll call you…goodnight Rafael. Thanks for the coffee.”

That night, you had gone back to your apartment. Rather than sob into your pillow, you raged cleaned, cranking up the music so loud you were sure your neighbors were going to complain. There was nothing like a bottle of lemon-scented oven cleaner and DMX to help you process your emotions. You ran the details of your relationship- if it even was one - with Rafael Barba - through your mind as you scrubbed the spider grates on your stove.

You had met Rafael during the end of intermission of Hamilton. The lights began to dim, and the throngs of theater goers began to file back to their seats. You tried to move right, he tried to move right; the same thing happened as you moved to the left. You both laughed awkwardly, and eventually Rafael moved out of the way so you could walk past. As you did so, your hands just barely grazed each other’s. You felt a spark and as you headed down the hallway, you turned your head and you could see Rafael watching you, a goofy smile on his face.

After the show had ended, you bumped into Rafael once more on the sidewalk while trying to hail a cab. From there, you exchanged phone numbers and subsequently started seeing each other. With his line of work, Rafael had warned he would not and could not be the ideal boyfriend. You had accepted that at first. You had broken up with your partner a year prior, so you weren’t looking for anything serious. Not at least initially.

But with matters of the heart, you had a tendency to let your feelings, which were carried on the wings of a very vivid imagination, get away from you almost immediately. Rafael had hinted that he was seeing someone else in addition to you. Olivia - something. But you tried to not let it bother you. You enjoyed spending time with Rafael and didn’t want to ruin what you both had going.

****

A few days later after the coffee shop incident, Rafael called you and you reluctantly made plans to get together later that week.

You had finished your day early with work as you needed to run a few errands. It was cold that day; Fall was transitioning to Winter in New York City. The wind was whipping, causing leaves to scatter on the sidewalk and street. You shivered as you exited the cleaners, your arms full of freshly cleaned clothes. One of the hangers slipped from your arms as a huge gust of wind blew as you rounded the corner of the block. You bent down to pick it up and as you stood back up, you saw Rafael across the way. And he was not alone. Holding onto his arm was an attractive brunette. You could only assume it was Olivia. 

Rafael hadn’t spotted you and you felt like some kind of voyeur - you knew you shouldn’t watch but you were too transfixed to move. You watched Rafael pull Olivia into an embrace; his gloved hand pushed away the hair that had fallen across her face - the same hand that had done the same to you countless times. He leaned down towards her face and you turned away, unable to watch any further. You hurried back to your apartment with your freshly dry cleaned clothes. You tried to remove the image from your mind but you couldn’t do it.

You canceled on Rafael that week. And the week after that. But eventually, you caved and returned Rafael’s calls with a weak excuse that work had you swamped. To your relief, he bought it. 

****

Fast Forward to Present Day

The night had gone wonderfully. You were at the NY Legal Assistance Gala held at Tribeca Rooftop. You had danced all night, had a few cocktails, followed by a meal so good it should’ve been illegal. And you had the most handsome man hanging off your arm.

You leaned forward against the railing, taking in the scene ahead of you - it was late, but Manhattan was still a-buzz. The music had drowned most of the traffic, but you could still make out some of it if you truly listened carefully.

“You know, I may be biased, but you’re the most beautiful person here,” a voice murmured in your ear from behind, before two large arms enveloped you. You turned around, and came face to face with Rafael. You searched his sea-foam green eyes and smiled. You reached up and smoothed the wisp of dark hair that had fallen across his forehead.

Rafael took your hand and kissed the inside of your wrist. “Y/N, I know I had told you I had wanted something casual, but these last few months…it’s made me realize something.”

Your heart leapt in your chest as you listened intently.

“I broke things off with Olivia. It was getting too complicated and I couldn’t give her what she wanted and she couldn’t give me what I wanted.”

You stood there dumbfounded as Rafael continued his declaration. “You are so important to me. You are so wonderful. Cuando era niño soñaba con conquistar el mundo, ahora me doy cuenta que tú eres mí mundo y me has conquistado,” Rafael rushed out.

You blinked. “What does that mean? You know my Spanish isn’t perfect.”

Rafael stepped closer to you, effectively closing the gap between you and him. “It means, when I was a kid, I dreamed of conquering the world. Now I realize that you’re my world and you have conquered me.”

“Trying go get into my pants counselor?” you teased, gently pressing a kiss to the corner of his lips.

“More like out of this dress,” was the husky reply. You looked down at your dress - a fitted, fiery red off the shoulder gown that hugged your curves in all the right places. A hand trailed from your shoulder, towards your décolletage.

Your cheeks turned pink and you felt an ache develop between your legs.

Rafael cupped your face. “I mean it. It’s you. It’s always been you.” You searched his eyes once more. You leaned up to kiss him, and Rafael used one strong, muscled arm to envelope you in a tight embrace; you could feel the evidence of his desire against your belly. His lips captured yours and he used his other hand to tilt your head so that he could deepen the kiss. Your tongues dueled and you could taste the remains of the scotch he had earlier.

Rafael nipped your bottom lip with his teeth, gently pulling, before moving to your neck, sucking on your sweet spot. You groaned and melted further into his embrace. Such a public display would have normally flustered you; but instead further spurned you on.

Looking around over Rafael’s shoulder, you noticed people were too busy wrapped up in their own world, enjoying the gala’s festivities. Rafael’s back was to the gala, and so discreetly you reached down and rubbed his erection.

“Mierda,” Rafael groaned against your ear. “Do I need to remind you of penal code 245, Y/N? Can’t have the Manhattan ADA getting arrested.”

“Then let’s get out of here,” you murmured in Rafael’s ear. “Your place.”

****

The night should have ended with you in Rafael’s bed making love until the sun rose. Instead, you were fleeing his apartment; your face was red hot and your eyes were filled with tears. You could hear your name being shouted, but you didn’t dare turn around as you ran out of the apartment building onto the Park Avenue street.

You were humiliated. Shaking, you waved your hand wildly trying to signal a cab. Fortunately a cab came pretty quickly and you hopped in, ordering the cab to step on it.

Rafael approached the cab, but the door was already closed. He knocked on the winodw, pleading for you to not go. You looked at him, your face streaked with mascara and you shook your head. Rafael watched helplessly as the cab pulled away from the curb. He slumped down, his hands resting on his thighs as he tried to catch his breath from running down so many flights of stairs.

It was too late. You were gone. And Rafael could feel his own heart break.


	2. Chapter 2

Rafael slowly trudged his way back into the apartment. After shutting the door with a soft click, he dropped himself onto his black leather couch. He slumped forward, his shoulders weighed with the guilt he felt. He replayed the earlier evening’s events over in his mind as he rubbed his now weary face with his hands.

You curled against Rafael’s chest, sweaty and out of breath from your amorous activities. Your bodies were a tangle of limbs intertwined in the deep aubergine sheets that covered Rafael’s bed.

Rafael pressed a kiss to the side of your forehead before he pulled away. “I am going to get a glass of water; do you want anything?”

“No,” you replied, sitting up fully, the sheets half covering you. Rafael made his way to the kitchen, getting a glass of ice water from the fridge dispenser.

“So,” Rafael called out, “There is an American Gothic exhibit at the Whitney opening this weekend. Want to go and grab brunch at Santina afterwards?”

You didn’t reply. Rafael furrowed his brow and made his way back into the bedroom, but you weren’t there. “Y/N?” he called out once more, half expecting you to call out from the master bathroom.

“What the fuck is this Rafi?”

Rafael almost jumped at the sound of your voice from behind. He turned around and saw you emerge from his study.

His eyes narrowed to the large white item in your hand.

“Why do you have my iPad?” Rafael questioned, his voice dangerously low.

“I wanted to get on your WiFi and you had given me you password last time but this time I forgot it,” you explained. “I’ll ask again, what the fuck is this?”

Before Rafael could even speak any further, you continued, your voice becoming more and more angry with each subsequent word. “Because it looks like a fucking pros and cons list about me and Olivia!”

Rafael felt his heart drop into his stomach and he swallowed hard. “It’s not what you think, I swear.”

“What I think, is that you’re an asshole,” you spat, before marching into the bedroom. You threw the iPad onto the bed and began gathering your clothes. You began to rattle the “cons” off of the list as you got dressed.

“Clingy/desperate; not always the best listener; a vapid narcissist when she drinks. My personal favorite: just a secretary. Shall I go on?”

You were so angry, Rafael could tell you were shaking; he had never seen you this angry before. You hooked your bra, and then slipped on your dress as you continued. “And then with Olivia? There was hardly anything! Oh, wait - just one: she makes me take on cases I shouldn’t - bleeding heart. Oh, poor Olivia!” you mocked with your hand over your heart.

Shoes in hand, you stormed past Rafael heading towards the living room but he reached over and stopped you. You jerked out of Rafael’s grasp, fat tears rolling down your cheeks, effectively ruining your eye makeup. “Imagine the worst things you think about yourself. How would you feel if the person you wanted to be with most in the world not only thinks them too, but actually uses them as reasons not to be with you?”

“You don’t understand… in spite of all of those things, I want to be with you. I -” Rafael stammered, flustered.

“Oh goody!” you continued to mock, clapping your hands. “I should be so damn flattered.”

“God fucking damnit Y/N, if you could just stop and sit down, we could talk about this like the adults we are,” Rafael snapped. He pinched the bridge of his nose. “Look, nobody’s perfect.”

“Don’t you try your fucking platitudes with me, Rafael,” you spat back. “And you’ve made it very fucking clear that I am not perfect. But it seems that Olivia sure is. So go back to her.”

By this point you were openly sobbing in front of Rafael. Rafael felt awful. He had never had any intention for you to find that list; in fact, he had forgotten he had even written it at all. He had written it during a drunken bender when you first initially started dating.

“Please, lets just sit and talk. Let me go find some pants and I can explain,” Rafael sighed. You nodded and sat on the couch; a half beat later, you slipped on your shoes.

Rafael walked back into the bedroom and grabbed his pants. He walked back into the living room but you weren’t there.

“Y/N?” Rafael called out once more. He noticed the door was open. “Shit!”

He rushed to the open door and heard the ding the elevator down the hall announcing its arrival. You stepped in, and saw Rafael’s head poking out from his door. “Y/N!” Rafael shouted as you frantically pressed the button to close the door.

Rafael dashed back into his apartment looking for shoes to slip on before he dashed back out, and thundered down the stairwell. He wasn’t sure if he’d catch up with you but he knew he owed it to himself to try.

**

Rafael dialed your number repeatedly but your phone went straight to voicemail each time. He tried to text you but there was no response.

Despite being exhausted beyond measure, Rafael poured himself a scotch from bar cart. He swallowed the drink in one gulp, before pouring himself another. His emotions got the best of him and after finishing the second drink, he threw the glass at the wall in frustration.

The glass shattered upon impact, shards littered the hardwood floor. “Way to go,” Rafael grumbled to himself.

After cleaning up the literal mess he had created, Rafael collapsed into his bed. His stomach churned with unease. He had hoped he would be able to clean the other mess he had made.

**

You scrubbed the makeup off your face, your eyes swollen and red. You looked terrible; you felt even worse. Now dressed in sweats and an over-sized t-shirt, you made your way towards your bedroom.

You spotted the gown you had worn, and you tucked it into the Rent the Runway garment bag so that you could return it the following morning.

Your phone buzzed repeatedly on your nightstand and you could see it was Rafael calling.

You hit decline each time. A text message subsequently popped up.

{Rafael, 1:30 AM}: Talk to me, please.

Taking a deep breath, you decided to ignore Rafael for now and turned off your phone completely. Sobs wracked your body the second your head hit the pillow.

***

Rafael woke up the next morning, to the sound of his phone buzzing. He rubbed his eyes before grabbing his phone. His heart began to race as he saw that he had a message from you.

{Y/N, 6:30 AM}: Rafael, you can’t unthink a thought. It’s either there or it’s not. So, it doesn’t matter what you say, or what you do Rafael. I thought I had clear, open eyes on what we were. Everything has changed. Forever. Lose my number.

TBC…


	3. Chapter 3

The season came and changed the time. The winter wind howled fiercely outside your apartment window while snowflakes gently fluttered to the ground. You swallowed some generic acetaminophen and chased it with alka-seltzer in an attempt to quell your hangover.

You walked over to the naked man in your bed whose name you didn’t care to learn. Your apartment reeked of alcohol, sex, and cigarettes. It was nauseating and your stomach churned.

“Wake up,” you replied sternly, nudging him with your foot. The man stretched, turning over to face you. “Hey doll,” he replied, with a leer. “Last night was fun.”

You grabbed his clothes which were lying in a heap in the corner and tossed them onto his bare chest. “I am going to take a shower. You better be gone by the time I get out.”

You made your way to the bathroom and locked the door behind you. You felt relief when you heard the door to your apartment shut moments later. Certain you were alone, you began to cry.

To your disappointment, Rafael heeded your advice and didn’t reach out any further. You wondered if you were important to him after all.

In the immediate aftermath, you walked around in a haze. To numb the pain you felt, you drowned yourself in work during the day. You even made yourself available to the other partners at the firm you were at. Your billable hours increased exponentially. However, at night, and especially the weekends, you drank your paycheck.

On more than one occasion, as you recently demonstrated, you entangled with random strangers who for a brief moment in time made you feel wanted and desired. They made you feel like an object to crave; something you always wanted with Rafael. You always hated yourself after. You felt greasy, cheap and easy. But you were devastatingly heartbroken.

You would swear after every drunken hookup, there would be no more - that would be the last one. But you knew you were lying to yourself. The names were never important - just the brief moments of pleasure - you just wanted to forget - and as the orgasms washed over you, you imagined it was Rafael who you were with.

—

Rafael threw himself into his work as well. It was the one coping mechanism he could easily rely on. Work was always there, like clockwork.

Part of his brain reasoned he should move from sex crimes to another unit in the D.A.’s office. Anyone else would have called him a masochist for continuing to work with Olivia and the SVU squad after.

Rafael was the utmost professional - and prided himself on that. So when the SVU squad barged into his office, he acted as if he were completely unfazed by Olivia in the room.

“Detectives,” he acknowledged. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

Olivia gave a thin lipped smile, which was accompanied by a roll of her eyes, of which Rafael didn’t miss a beat of. Carisi launched into the details of their most recent case, providing reasons for their need for warrants. Rafael nodded along for good measure, but he had effectively tuned Carisi out.

Taking a sip of his coffee which had grown cold, Rafael waved Carisi off. “Okay, okay, I’ve heard enough. I’ll get your warrants. Now if you don’t mind, I have to get back to trial prep.”

The squad shuffled slowly out of Rafael’s office. Olivia hung back, and she turned to face Rafael. “It’s good to see you as always Rafael.”

“Likewise Olivia,” Rafael replied.

“I do miss you - us,” Olivia continued, pushing back her hair. She approached Rafael, who was now standing by his coffee maker pouring himself a fresh cup. Rafael shook his head and sat back down at his desk.

Olivia sighed and made her way towards the door. She pivoted, turning to face Rafael eye to eye, and waved her arm around. “Just so you know, I know you’ll say you’re fine - and that may work with this office and the rest of the squad - but not me. You don’t know how bad of an actor you are. It’s obvious being dumped has affected you.”

Rafael swallowed hard. “I—“

Olivia gave Rafael a small, patronizing smile, before she headed out the door.

Rafael slammed his pen down in frustration. Huffing, he began gathering his documents and stuffing them into his attache. He barked at Carmen, advising her to clear his schedule and hold his calls. Almost immediately Rafael felt guilty for snapping at Carmen and vowed to take her to lunch to make up for it; he also felt guilty for allowing Olivia to get to him the way she did.

—

Rafael tried to focus on his upcoming trial as he nursed his scotch.

“Ahem,” a voice interrupted his thoughts. Rafael sighed and turned around. He groaned at the sight of Rita Calhoun.

“Counselor,” Rita greeted, setting her purse down at the bar and taking the seat next to Rafael. “Am I interrupting?” The bartender approached. “I’ll have a glass of Merlot, thanks.”

“You are,” Rafael snapped. “If you recall, we have a trial in two days.” Rafael swallowed the remnants of his drink, appreciating the burn down his throat. He snapped his fingers at the bartender and motioned for a refill.

“I’m here for that reason. Let’s play make a deal,” Rita, continues ignoring his comment. “Put my drink on his tab,” she winked.

Rafael sighed once more. “The people aren’t interested in any deals-your client is a sadistic rapist who assaulted three women.” He rubbed his face in exasperation. Rita opened her mouth to make another crack, when she noticed how worn Rafael appeared.

“Rafael, are you okay?” Rita asked, concerned.

Rafael chuckled low, and gave a small half smile. “Like you give a shit.” He took a sip of his refilled drink, and let the alcohol swish around in his mouth before swallowing. Rita smacked Rafael’s arm in response.

Aggravated, Rafael stood up and gathered his camel colored wool coat. He wrapped his red scarf around his neck before reaching into his wallet and throwing a couple of bills onto the bar. “I’ll see you later,” he replied before reaching to pop an olive in his mouth.

Rita followed Rafael as he exited Forlini’s, throwing on her coat. She followed behind him, her heels clicking against the pavement. “Would you just wait Rafael!”

Rafael turned around. He shivered as a gust of wind blew through. “What is it Rita?”

Rita closed her own coat tighter. “Rafael, I know we don’t get along when we are opposing counsel, but at the end of the day, you are still my friend from Harvard who helped me ace my constitutional law final.”

Rafael didn’t reply, but gave a curt nod. “Come on,” Rita replied linking her arm with his. “Let’s go back to my office.”

Rafael released his pent up emotions about the breakup to Rita as they walked side by side.

“You should move on Rafael. This isn’t healthy. You deserve to be happy,” Rita leveled with him. “I may know someone.”

“God damnit Rita, I don’t want anyone else but her,” Rafael snapped.

“Then you need to talk to her,” Rita replied. They stopped at the intersection, waiting for the light to change.

“She — “ Rafael began but he stopped short. From a distance he could see it was you crossing the street. Your head was hung low, your arms wrapped around you tightly. You hadn’t noticed him - yet.

You suddenly materialized in front of him. “Rafael,” you replied softly. “Hi.” You looked at him, then at Rita, and then at their linked arms.

Rafael followed your eyes and realized it must have looked like if it was more than just two friends walking. Rafael jumped and unlinked his arm. “Hi - this is my colleague, Rita. She’s opposing counsel but we went to law school together.”

Rita shook your hand and you gave her a small smile.

“How have you been?” Rafael asked but he knew the answer almost immediately. You looked exhausted — your skin was sallow, you had bags under your eyes and your normally shiny hair had lost its bounce and luster.

You frowned, unsure as to how to answer, so you didn’t. “I have to get going. It was nice to see you - and it was nice to meet you. Take care.”

And with that, you were gone, running into the adjacent the subway entrance, without so much as a glance behind.

“Well, that was sufficiently awkward,” Rita quipped.

“Tell me about it,” Rafael grumbled.

—

When you saw Rafael, your heart ached in your chest. You knew he was handsome, but you nearly forgot how strikingly handsome he was.

You wished you could just go back to the way things were. You wished you had never bothered to get the WiFi that night. You closed your eyes as you recounted him telling you were the one for him at the gala.

Despite being in the subway, you still had an internet connection on your phone. Slipping on your headphones, you played some music as the train lurched through the station.

Your heart racing in your chest, you opened up your messages and began to type.

{Y/N, 3:15 PM} Hi. It really was nice seeing you. Can we talk?

You hovered over the send button. You chewed on your bottom lip. Just as you were about to hit send, your brain took over for your heart, and you deleted the text altogether. Instead, you focused on the blur of the station as your train hit full speed.

—

Eventually Rafael went home. He removed his suit, hanging it neatly in his closet. He dug out a pair of well worn Harvard sweatpants and slipped them.

Pouring himself a drink, he sat cross legged in his bed and turned on his iPad. He opened the notes app, and scrolled through until he found the list.

He read through each one. And then re-read the list. Opening up a new note, he began to type.


	4. Chapter 4

The forecast had called for blizzard like conditions. You trudged into your apartment building with your snowstorm reinforcements: a few bottles of cheap red wine, a wheel of the good brie from the specialty cheese shop along with prosciutto and a bag of your go-to indulgence: sour cream and onion potato chips.

Turning to your mailbox, you lowered your bags and began to collect your mail. You flipped through the stack - bill after bill followed - you were so engrossed in your mail, that you almost didn’t hear the footsteps behind you. Fingers tapped your shoulder and you yelled as you jumped, your mail scattering all over.

“My apologies,” the tall, silver-haired man apologized. “Here, let me get that,” he continued as he bent down to pick up your fallen mail. You collected the fallen pieces and looked up at him, your brow furrowed.

“Carisi - what are you doing here?” You questioned.

“Listen don’t shoot the messenger. I was told to give you this,” Carisi replied handing you a thick envelope. You immediately recognized the handwriting as Rafael’s. Silently, you nodded and took the envelope.

You cocked your head and waited another beat. “Is everything okay?”

“Everything is fine. Like I said, I’m just the messenger.” Sonny threw his hands up in defense and walked backwards, until he got to the door. Before he exited, he turned back to you. “Stay warm y/n. - it was nice seeing you.”

You watched as a gangly detective walk away. You looked back down at the envelope and gently, you traced your name. Tucking the rest of your mail under your arm, you opened the envelope, unsure as to what to expect.

Y/N, please give me a second chance. I miss you. You know my number. -Rafael

There was another piece of paper behind the letter. You opened the letter encased inside. It was a “pro” list:

Number one: the way you just get “me”/ I can be completely myself.

Number two: Our emotional bond.

Number three: How much you love your friends and family.

Number four: Our similar sense of humor

Number five: The way you tear-up at cooking game shows.

Number six: The way you play with your hair when you’re nervous.

Number seven: How passionate you are with life (and in bed!)

Number eight: The way you always see the good in others.

Number nine: How sweet you smell.

Number ten: How giving and generous you are.

You bit your lip, feeling your eyes water as you read through the list. You chuckled at number seven and nodded - well, Rafael wasn’t wrong on that.

You looked at your watch and then looked outside the glass door. It hadn’t started snowing yet. You picked up your items and walked back outside to the curb. Raising your hand, you motioned for a cab.

****

Rafael shivered as he entered his apartment building. He greeted Hugo, the doorman. “Snow is really starting to come down,” he gruffed. “Any mail or packages?”

“No, sir. But there is a young woman waiting for you at your apartment. I told her she had to wait downstairs but she insisted that she wait at your apartment,” Hugo replied.

“How many times do I have to insist that you call me Rafael — wait someone is waiting for me? Do you know who?” Rafael asked, his brow furrowed. “Should I be concerned?” He undid his scarf so that it just hung loosely around his neck and removed his hat, leaving his hair unkempt.

Hugo shook his head. “She said she was a personal friend,” he replied, and with that, he began to describe you. Rafael tried to play it cool, and he nodded. “Oh, yes. Thanks for the heads up,” he replied as he made his way to the elevator.

As the doors shut, he smiled; his heart was full of hope.

****

Stepping off the elevator onto his floor, Rafael rounded the corner and found you sitting on the floor by his door, criss-crossed, openly drinking one of the bottles of wine. The twist cap to the wine bottle was a foot or so away, from where you sat.

“Rafael,” you acknowledged, looking up.

Rafael extended his arm and helped you fully stand. “You’re here,” he replied, taking the bottle from you and twisting the cap on.

“I’m here,” you replied. You waved your arm at your grocery bags. “With snacks.” Rafael chuckled at your comment.

Taking the bags from you, Rafael opened the door to his apartment and stood against the door, holding it open so that you could enter past. As you wandered into the living room, Rafael turned towards the kitchen and set the bags on the counter.

Rafael returned to the living room. He took off his coat and hung it up on his closet. Rafael looked strikingly handsome in his chocolate brown sweater and dark jeans.

Your arms were wrapped around yourself, your coat still on. Rafael extended an arm towards you, and you nodded, slowly removing your bouclé wool coat.

You wore blue skinny jeans, with brown booties. You donned an speckled ivory cream sweater that appeared two sizes two big. Your hair was in a messy bun. Despite your fashion forward appearance, you appeared weary with dark circles under your eyes.

Rafael took in your worn appearance. Your eyes met and you were struck by the pained look on his face.

“I got your letter and list,” you replied softly.

Rafael nodded. “I figured that’s why you were here.” He approached you and placed his large hands on the top of your hips. You closed your eyes. His hands moved up your sides and despite you wearing an over-sized sweater, he could feel that you had lost weight. And then, before you could even think your next thought, Rafael enveloped you completely into a tight embrace. You allowed yourself to get completely lost in the moment.

Rafael pressed his nose into your hair, inhaling your scent. “Oh Y/N,” he murmured. And that is when you felt it; splashes of warm drops. You pulled away, and you stared into Rafael’s eyes, which were shiny and wet. You opened your mouth to speak but nothing came out.

And then, the last remainder of Rafael’s resolve crumbled. “Lo siento,” he sobbed. “I am so sorry. I am so sorry for hurting you. Can you ever forgive me?”

You pulled away, so your back was to Rafael. Your own eyes filled with tears. “Rafael, I don’t know if I can! A list isn’t going to undo the damage! You broke my heart!” Your voice echoed in the otherwise quiet apartment.

“Please. I need to make this right. There has to be something that I can do,” Rafael pleaded, turning you to face him. He closed the gap between you, and cupped your cheek. You leaned into his touch, closing your eyes once more as tears rolled down.

Rafael’s hand moved from your cheek to your chin. He tilted your head up and pressed his lips to yours. The kiss was soft, almost chaste, but it grew with intensity quickly. You moaned at the reunion. His tongue swiped your bottom lip, seeking permission to deepen the kiss. You opened your mouth and returned the kiss. His hands entangled in your hair, keeping you in place. You leaned up into his embrace, and you wrapped your arms around his neck.

You had missed this: the feel of his hands on your body, the warmth of his body against yours, the taste of his kiss. Rafael caught the sigh that escaped as he began to kiss and suck on the hollow of your throat.

Rafael’s hands moved from your head, and traveled south. He gave your butt a squeeze before settling on the outside of your thighs. Taking his cue, you jumped into his embrace, wrapping your legs around his waist. Rafael walked backwards, all the while you two continued to kiss. Feeling the back of his couch, he sat down, pulling you down with him.

Finally you broke away to catch your breath. You rested your forehead against his. “Rafael, I —“ you began, but he cut you off.

“I love you Y/N. I am in love with you. I haven’t stopped loving you,” Rafael confessed.

You bit your lip. You wanted nothing more than confess how much you still loved him - but the wound was still raw, a scab hadn’t fully formed.

“There’s a snowstorm coming. Stay the night. Please.” Rafael continued.

“Okay,” you agreed. “But there’s something you need to know first.”

Rafael nodded. “What is it?”

You felt a knot in your stomach form. “It shouldn’t matter since we - we were not together, but I’ve been with others. I’m clean; I got tested. But I want you to know.”

Rafael’s eyes darkened. He knew he shouldn’t be jealous - he had no reason to be. “You what?” 

The idea of other men with you, your sweaty bodies touching, your naked flesh under theirs - Rafael almost felt ill.

Rafael’s silence made you uneasy. You climbed off his lap and pushed yourself to the corner of the couch. “Come on, tell me what you’re thinking,” you implored.

Rafael let out the breath he didn’t realize he was holding. “I’m…thinking.”

Your brows furrowed and you leapt off the couch and stood in front of him. “What do you want Rafael Barba? How do you want to handle it? You want to fight for us or bail again? Look, I did some terrible, stupid things, okay? I’m sorry. But so did you. And I did my stupid things because you fucking hurt me. I wish I could take it all back, but I can’t.”

Rafael rubbed his face, before he leaned back on the couch. “I just can’t see us throwing away something we know is so damn good. I love you so much. I want to be with you. Because, I mean, it’s you.

“I was out of my mind,” you replied softly.

“So was I,” Rafael replied. He reached up and pulled you back onto his lap. You smoothed his hair, looking deeply into his eyes.

“It’s going to be work. Trust. We need to rebuild that,” you replied. Rafael nodded. “I know.”

You smiled before leaning down to kiss him once more. “Make love to me. Tonight let’s just forget it all.”


	5. Chapter 5

Your lips crashed against Rafael’s as his hands skimmed the outside of your thighs. His hands made their to your derrière and he squeezed, before trailing back up and under your cream colored sweater. Rafael nimbly undid the back clasp of your bra and explored the softness of your breasts. You let out a small sigh as his fingertips tweaked your nipples, causing them to harden even more.

You could feel Rafael’s erection pressing up against you and you ground against his lap. Rafael broke away from your lips to suck on the hollow of your neck. You gasped as he nipped your skin, marking you. Rafael ran his tongue over the bruised skin to soothe it. You pulled away to grab the hem of your sweater and deftly removed it in one fell swoop. Your bra soon followed, landing in a heap with your sweater on the floor.

Rafael’s mouth was immediately on your exposed flesh. He squeezed your breasts together and swirled his tongue over them. His teeth gently grazed one nipple, then the other, causing you to shudder. You wrapped your arms around Rafael’s neck, and leaned over him, as he continued his oral fixation on your breasts.

The ache that had developed between your legs had grown and your panties were were starting to soak with your desire. “Your tits are amazing,” Rafael groaned appreciatively before mouthing them once more.

His touch and tongue on you was driving you crazy. You pulled away once more, your hands pulling at the hem of Rafael’s sweater, encouraging him to remove it. Rafael nodded and removed his sweater and undershirt altogether. You ran your hands over his chest, and then up to his shoulders, and then back down his arms, squeezing his biceps. Rafael pulled you tightly against him, so that you were chest to chest. Your foreheads were pressed against each others and you could hear his unsteady breathing in your ear.

“Bedroom, now,” you panted. Rafael nodded. You squeaked as he stood, lifting you up on the way. You wrapped your legs around his hips, your arms around his neck as he brought you over to his bedroom. Rafael set you down gently onto the floor. You kicked off your booties and quickly removed your jeans, leaving you clad in just your lace underwear.

Rafael stared at you with quiet intensity, taking in your near-nude form. For a split second, you could have sworn you heard him growl. “Fuck.”

“Isn’t that the plan?” you teased, hopping onto the bed.

Rafael chuckled low, as he kicked off his own shoes and unzipped his pants, stepping out of them. You felt the bed dip with his weight he joined you on the bed. Rafael kissed you once more as he lowered you onto the mattress. As your tongues dueled, Rafael’s hand made its way down your chest, to your stomach, to the apex of your thighs. Instinctively you parted your legs for him. You moaned as you felt his fingers push the thin material of your underwear aside and slip along your folds, teasing.

“So wet,” Rafael purred appreciatively. You brought his mouth back down to yours, and Rafael used the opportunity to slip two fingers inside of you. The kiss broke as you gasped at the intrusion. Rafael slowly stroked you, his thumb rubbing slow haphazard circles on your clit. You could feel your arousal dripping down your thighs as he continued his ministrations.

Rafael dipped his head to your breasts once more, mouthing a globe as he continued to finger fuck you. His tongue flicked back and forth over a nipple.

“Don’t stop,” you moaned. “Oh God.”

Rafael moved up and pressed a small kiss to the edge of your mouth. “Never,” he promised.

As the familiar coil in your belly grew, Rafael inserted another finger, stretching you in the most delightful way. You groaned again, as you grasped the sheet, nearly balling the fabric in your hands.

Rafael’s speed increased as he continued to finger fuck you; at one point he took the opportunity to scissor his fingers. You writhed against his hand, as pleasure seared your body. “Come for me,” Rafael purred in your ear.

Your body stiffened as you your orgasm cascaded over you, Rafael’s name escaping your lips. Rafael continued to pump his fingers through your orgasm, before slowly coming to a stop. He made a big show of licking fingers before kissing you once more. You could taste yourself on his tongue, and you pulled him closer. Rafael shifted his body so that his body covered yours.

Rafael pulled away once more, so he could sit on his haunches and remove his boxers. Rafael’s cock sprung free; pre-cum leaked from the head. Rafael jerked himself over you, his eyes were heavy lidded with lust.

“I have to ask,” Rafael began. “Are you sure about this?”

Propping up onto your elbows, you nodded. “Never more sure.”

And with that, you sat fully up and pushed Rafael onto the bed. The bed creaked as he landed onto his back. You positioned yourself so that you were in between his legs and took his cock into your mouth. The feel of your warm mouth on his cock, caused him to hiss in appreciation.

“God, you’re such a good cock sucker,” Rafael groaned as he sat on his elbows watching his erection slip in and out of your lips. You hollowed your cheeks bobbing faster, enjoying how thick and heavy his cock was in your mouth. You relished in the salty taste of his pre-cum. You relaxed your jaw and took him deeper, triggering your gag reflex. You took a deep inhalation, pushing past the reflex. Your eyes watered but you ignored it, focusing on the task at hand.

Rafael’s hands tangled in your hair, guiding you. “Fuck your mouth is so good, amor,” he purred. You ran you tongue down his length and back up, swirling over the head of his cock. You pointed your tongue and flicked it on the underside of the head, where it met the shaft, before taking him fully once more in your mouth. You could feel Rafael’s thighs shake, a sure sign he was close to coming. 

You sat fully up once more, taking a breather. You spat onto your hand and gave Rafael a couple of strokes, enjoying the sight beneath you. Rafael pulled you up to him, kissing you hard, tasting himself on you. He rolled you, so this time you were on your back.

Rafael lowered himself onto your body increase more and instinctively, you wrapped one leg around his hip. You reached down and held your panties to the side. Rafael pressed the head of his cock into your soaking cunt, and then slid into you slowly, inch by inch. You groaned as he stretched you; you almost forgot how well endowed and thick his cock was. You felt wonderfully full; there was a slight burn mixed with pleasure. You gripped his biceps and bit your lip, your eyes fluttering shut. With a snap of his hips, Rafael bottomed out and fully sunk into you.

“Don’t move,” Rafael half-groaned, half whispered.

“I know,” you whispered in response. “I need a minute too.” The reunion of your bodies was almost too much - it felt as if every nerve ending was exploding like tiny fireworks. You realized in that moment, despite all the one night stands you had, no one felt as good as Rafael - no one made you feel as complete as he did.

After a beat, Rafael began to thrust - slowly at first, but soon enough the tempo quickened; the obscene sound skin hitting skin and moans of pleasure filled the bedroom.

Drops of wetness hit your face and what you thought were beads of sweat rolling off of Rafael, were actually tears.

You reached up to cup Rafael’s face. “Rafi—,” you began but he cut you off.

“I’m so sorry,” Rafael cried, nearly collapsing onto you. His body shook, wracked with sobs. You froze initially, taken aback by surprise. You then bear-hugged Rafael, wrapping your legs and arms tightly around him.

“I forgive you,” you whispered into his ear. “Rafael, I forgive you.” You knew you needed to say it out loud for the both of you. Rafael lifted his head from the crook of your neck and stared at you. His green eyes were wet with tears.

“I mean it,” you replied, stroking his cheek. “I forgive you. I’m yours.”

“And I, you,” Rafael replied softly with a smile. You both kissed and for awhile you stayed like that - a lazy makeout session. You both enjoyed the simple reunion.

Rafael’s erection softened somewhat earlier and as you two shifted, you could feel him slip out. Rafael felt embarrassed, and he began to apologize.

“I’m sor-“ he began but you pressed a finger to his lips. You shook your head and pushed Rafael off of you, so that he was flat on his back once more. You gently gave him a few strokes before moving to straddle him. You languidly rubbed your wet pussy against his length, soaking his cock with your juices. You continued rubbing yourself against his length feeling him harden beneath you. Rafael groaned as he watched your soaking cunt slide repeatedly over his cock.

“If you keep that up, I am going to cum,” Rafael warned.

Smirking, you shifted and rotated, so that your ass was to him. Rafael hummed appreciatively at your ass. Adjusting your legs, so that they sat on the inside of his thighs, you guided his cock back into you. You both moaned once more, as you began to set the tempo. You rode his cock from behind, relishing the full feeling once more. Rafael gave your ass a good smack and you groaned at the sting.

Your tempo quickened and Rafael places his hands on your hips guiding you over and over onto his cock. Watching his cock slide in and out of you from behind turned Rafael on more than he could even imagine. “You look so good with my cock in your pussy,” Rafael grunted.

“Fuck, fuck, fu-ck,” you whined. Looking behind, you slowed your thrusts. “Finger my ass,” you requested, panting.

Rafael looked up at you, his eyes slightly widened. “Are you sure?” he asked once again.

You nodded. “Please,” you begged.

Rafael sucked on his finger, thoroughly wetting it with his saliva. Rafael fingered your asshole, gently probing before slipping a finger in. You cried out in pleasure and leaned forward more, still rocking slowly on his cock.

Rafael used his free hand to smack your ass once more as you continued to fuck him.

“Come for me,” Rafael commanded. You reached down and furiously rubbed your clit. As you were already at the precipice, it didn’t take long for you to come undone. You shouted his name repeatedly as Rafael continued to thrust, deeper and harder. Feeling your walls flutter against his cock, Rafael stiffened and with a roar, he came, shouting your name with his release. You slumped forward, completely spent. Neither one of you moved. Finally, you slipped off Rafael’s cock and moved to snuggle with him.

“That was amazing,” you sighed. Rafael’s chest rose and fell heavily, as he tried to catch his breath. You hummed as you listened to the rapid beat of his heart.

Rafael pressed a kiss to your forehead. “You’re amazing. I love you.”

You tilted your head up and placed a small kiss on the underside of his jaw. Sleep befell the two of you quickly, wrapped in each other’s embrace.


	6. Chapter 6

“You promised me the world and I fell for it. You replaced me - us - so easily. Like it was easy. Made me think I deserved it. I saw the signs and ignored them. I had rose colored glasses on. I am over the moon that we are together again. But how do I know this isn’t going to happen again? I know it was just a stupid list but it feels like so much more.”

You looked at Rafael, your eyes filled with tears. You swallowed the hard lump that formed in your throat and shifted your seat, adjusting the pillow that you were sitting against.

“You two are in the thick of healing. It’s going to take time to rebuild the trust that has been broken. And that is what we are going to work on in these sessions. Rafael, it sounds like that Y/N is saying your actions and words were bombastic. How does that make you feel?”

Rafael looked at your therapist, Jillian, who had thought it was a good idea to have Rafael to come to some of your sessions. He rubbed his face, unsure as to what to even say. The usually sharp-tongued, loquacious prosecutor found himself at a loss for words.

Rafael knew he was culpable for his actions. He took a deep breath before speaking. “Y/N, I know I am responsible for your pain. I know I strung you along. And because you were so… wrapped around my finger… I just easily disregarded your feelings. It was egotistical and irresponsible of me. I truly am sorry.” He reached for your hand and you reached for his in return. Rafael gave your hand a squeeze, with a small smile.

“I know it’s unfair to blame you entirely for my resulting actions,” you replied. “I was reckless.” You felt ashamed. You looked down and away from your therapist and Rafael.

“You were burying your pain in the aftermath,” Jillian replied, as she jotted notes.

Jillian looked at the two of you earnestly. “It’s clear that you two love each other very much. And in order to rebuild trust, you have to own up to your mistakes, which you both have done. You also have to forgive. Y/N, you have said that you forgive Rafael? Is that still true?”

You nodded, replying softly. “It is and I do.” You looked at Rafael, and gave his hand a squeeze.

“Living in the past will not serve either of you well. I want you to focus on the present. Keep your words and actions consistent, Rafael. Y/N’s image of you has been shaken and she is looking for stability wherever she can. Consistency demonstrates that there are reasons to trust you again and also allows you to appear safe to her again,” replied Jillian. She glanced at the clock, seeing that time was nearly up. “Before we end, I want to just want to say, when trust is broken, it can be a long and lengthy repair process and, if you’re committed to it, then you have to be in it for the long haul.”

Rafael nodded, squeezing your hand. “I know and I am more than at the ready to do the work. And I need to work on sitting with my own painful shame.”

***

You and Rafael walked down the sidewalk, hands clasped in one another’s. There was still snow on the ground from the blizzard ten days ago. The city was still alive, with the hustle and bustle of traffic, natives, and tourists alike.

You both paused at the street corner, waiting for the light to change. After a minute, the light changed and as you both walked across, a sign caught your eye.

“Open house - want to go check it out? I’ve been thinking of getting a new place. Plus we can warm up a bit.”

“Sure,” Rafael replied. You both bounded up the stairs of the brownstone. You both turned down the hallway and entered a spacious open concept kitchen with lots of storage and counter space, stainless steel appliances and granite counter tops. You kept walking and found the parlor. Your heeled booties clacked against wide plank floors, the sound echoing. There were built in bookshelves and incredibly high ceilings, that you calculated that were at least 10 feet high. You were charmed by the wood burning fireplace surrounded by white brick.

“Wow,” you half-whispered. “This place is amazing.”

“Can I help you?” the realtor agent came out, a clipboard in hand.

“Hi - we saw the open house sign, so we just came to check it out,” you replied, removing your coat. “This place is something special.”

“It’s all been fully renovated; the hardwood floors are the original floors from when it was built in 1920 - let me show you around.”

At that moment, the agent’s cell phone rang. “Excuse me — feel free to continue looking.”

You and Rafael nodded, and you headed up the stairs to the second floor. You entered the master bedroom and ran your hands against the dado rail.

You shivered, and Rafael embraced you from behind, his head on your shoulders. He rubbed your arms, in an attempt to warm you up.

You turned around to face him, and stared deeply into his seafoam green eyes. “I love you.”

Rafael’s lips twitched into a smile. “No puedo imaginarme cómo hubiera sido mi vida sin ti. Mi amor, mi cielo, mi vida.” He leaned down and pressed a kiss along your neck, sending another shiver down your spine.

Your cheeks flushed. “What does that mean?”

“I can’t imagine what my life would have been like without you. My love, my heaven, my life,” Rafael replied.

You leaned up and pressed a small kiss along his jaw line. You took his hand and began leading him to a door. Can I show you the walk-in closet?”

Rafael’s eyes twinkled. “Really?”

You let go of his hand and began unbuttoning your blouse, walking backwards towards the closet.

“Well, she did say we could look around.” You cocked your brow and bit your lip.

Rafael followed you into the closet and shut the door with a click. Your mouths crashed passionately against each other’s, a mess of tongues and teeth.

***

The two of you bounded out of the apartment; you were giggling like a school girl, your breath creating a cloud in the cold.

“Tu me vuelves loco,” Rafael replied, spinning you so you were back in his embrace.

You ducked your head into his shoulder, humming. “We’re going to be okay right?”

Rafael cupped your face, lifting your chin so that you were looking at him. “Hey. I know we can do this. We love each other too much to let this destroy us.“

“It’s going to be work,” you replied, your eyes moving past his gaze, and watching the busyness of the city continue along.

“I know,” Rafael replied.

“Okay,” you replied. You let out a breath and looked up towards the sky, watching the clouds roll in. It looked like it was going to start snowing again. Rafael pulled you close, and you leaned into his embrace. You were both ready to take on the future, certain that with work, with time, your love for one another would heal and flourish.

FIN


End file.
